Most days, I wake up in my faintly-lit studio apartment in my lonesome, only to question my purpose and place in this dauntingly intimidating planet I’ve found myself on. Thoughts like these bear a heavy weight, especially in the morning-time, so you could imagine the challenge of shifting my anxious and hesitant mindset to one with more uplifting qualities. It’s the fact that I’m always doubting myself and my abilities which overtones my general behavior. I’ve noticed that it only takes a little bit of validation to snowball my mindset to one of more hopeful qualities, and I feel lucky to receive such validation at any moment in a day. I’m sure you understand what I mean by this. With positivity, more positivity can follow. Sometimes it won’t, but that isn’t the result of an absence of positivity. Not that I think.
I feel like positivity is something which can spread like a virus, but it is those with the open-minded immune system who are able to feel its expression. There are those who are callused and have built up for themselves a wall of resistance. This could be for a lot of reasons: receiving feelings of ingenuous intent, disbelief of the compliment/claim as a whole, self-doubt, insecurity, or the combination of it all.
I’ve suffered from the combination of these all throughout my lifetime and am working very hard to overcome these obstacles that impede the flow of my heart and soul.
But my suffering is the exact reason why I try what I try – to be positive and to open up to those around me, establishing an environment where neither you or I should feel afraid to express ourselves.
Sometimes I have a lot of trouble with social interactions, especially those of fresh familiarity. Sometimes I feel as though I am able to gear the conversation so the vibes are lighthearted and compassionate, and other times I personally feel rejected and uninteresting. But, I’m sure you all have felt a similar way when speaking to me at some point. Conversations are hard, and sometimes they don’t go exactly the way we would like them to be.
Honestly, I’m not too sure what my premise is or where I’m exactly going. But I would like to make this point now:
If I know you or don’t know you, I don’t ever want you to be afraid of speaking your heart to me. I want you to feel comfortable with expressing your thoughts to me. I don’t want you to think that I will judge you (which I may do, but I do my best to stay observant without making conclusions as I realize there’s more to everyone than meets the eye, and in the end, most people in the world are great people and have a lot of awesome things in their lives and minds they can share). Honestly, anything you say, especially if you give it care and concern, is valuable to me to the upmost degree.
Moving to Portland has been a very new experience to me, and honestly, speaking to a lot of you trips me out. I think it’s the combination of both of our insecurities that allows the bumpy flow of conversation we can have. I think it has to do with the fact that I don’t know you very well and you don’t know me very well. How can we expect ourselves to feel comfortable to someone who could potentially harm us?
Here is an example of some thoughts that I’ve stumbled upon the past couple years:
it’s only awkward if you make it awkward.
you make it awkward if you feel awkward
but why do you feel awkward?
why does that sudden pinch in your psyche reveal itself the second you say something in a sloppy manner?
why does it matter that you aren’t a great story teller?
why does it matter that you need to take 5 seconds to feel comfortable speaking?
why does it matter that you rushed into that verbalization without proper consideration and now you’re not sure if you’ve made your point across at all?
I could go on and forever, but my overall lesson is that you shouldn’t feel awkward about anything. Everyone makes mistakes, and no one expects anyone to be perfect. As long as you are being genuine and speaking from the heart, I’m sure the majority of people will see you as an equal human being just as they see everyone else. I mean sure, there are assholes and narcissists in the world, but why would you need their validation in your life anyways? In my ideal world, people talk to each other with respect, care, and concern.
Through my own experience, most of the times I felt awkward or uncomfortable in a conversation turned out to be completely fraudulent in reality. Much of my anxiety was falsely attributed to my conscious. My brain was trying to warn me of the unappealing qualities of my soul and speech, but I should’ve been listening to my heart the whole time. In the end, it didn’t matter and I’m sure both parties had forgotten most of the substance in the conversation anyways.
I don’t know man. I’ll branch onto this later. I gotta finish up some homework before class. But anyways:
If you’re one of those people who are uncomfortable in their minds and body, ask yourself why. You might find the origin to be an abstraction of your own insecurities or maybe you’re not doing enough mental or physical exercises to satisfy your general well being. Wherever you end up, realize that you’re a great person with a capable mind, and it isn’t much of a responsibility as it is a privilege to be able to have these thoughts that you find in yourself, and to share it with your fellow human beings.
You have a mind. You have a heart. Realize they’re both important to follow and show the world what you have to offer!
Meticulous Progeny 